gq:

Breaking: Donald Trump Supports Same Sex Marriage!

This morning, “The Donald”, a man with a combover that looks like a bed of cat whiskers (file this detail away for later, under “HYPOCRISY”) took to Twatter (that is Twitter, for those who use the medium to act like twats) to take a dump on Arianna Huffington.  He wrote, for unclear reasons:

@ariannahuff is unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man- he made a good decision.

 

Classy! Pulling that ole what-is-up-with-that-chick-is-she-a-DUDE?-ha-ha-ha line on a powerful woman. I mean, you just don’t expect such things from a man who has his own reality show.

 

I was being sarcastic there. What I mean to say is: Donald Trump is a real douchebag.

 But first—lest you think I’m slinging the term douchebag like a common frat boy named Josh, a brief reminder of what a douche bag is: A douche bag is a piece of equipment that resembles a whoopee cushion with a larger blowhole. So, essentially, a farting apparatus with a mouthpiece. It is used, as you likely know, to douche, a vaginal flushing process that is now medically disparaged. But long before there was a consensus on its general ill effect, the douchebag was branded as an agent of cleanliness! Of civility! Of refinement! (and, strangely—as a means of birth control too.) In actuality, douchebags create gross infections. And they’re about as an effective form of birth control as spraying your penis with Clorox.

 Donald Trump is a douchebag. A guy who looks like a big fart sack. A guy who’s narcissistic enough to sell himself as an agent of good, when really he’s an ineffective schmuck who just spreads infection.

 On the upside, it appears that Donald Trump is endorsing same sex marriage! And that’s what we’ll go with for the title of this post.